okay. I am gonna fill you in on a secret.
While I can’t speak for anyone else in the carcinoma club, when I was in the middle of being sick and doing chemo, I think I became a nicer human being.
By which I mean, other people didn’t piss me off nearly as much as they usually do. I could lay in my bed and think my lofty and generous thoughts about the world and I was a much more well-rounded person.
Now, I wasn’t actually physically capable of leaving my house or doing very much so I didn’t actually have much contact with the world. But in my sheltered state, I liked people quite a bit more than I did before.
I kinda thought that new Shirley Temple way of looking at the world would stick.
That I would come through the other side of the cancer game and I would maintain that Berkley way of seeing the world.
And the truth of it is… I might be a little bit nicer than I was before, but that probably gets off-set by the fact that I am in a fair amount of achey pain a lot of the time which makes me a wee bit crabby.
So at the end of the day, I am pretty much right back where I started.
In case you were thinking you might want to ring me up and bask in the great Elizabeth-Kubler-Ross-ness of it all.
And anyway, for all I know I was only getting all fluffy because of all the drugs they were giving me.
Why do you think they call it dope?
On other fronts, I realized yesterday that I feel like I am going flat out, as fast as I can, just to try to keep up with regular people.
And I feel a little overwhelmed by the whole “putting the pieces of my life back together” project that is before me.
I’m still figuring that part.
I guess it’s time to figure out a plan for how to get back on my feet.
It’s all kind of weird. The last year has been kind of intense, in lots of ways, and a whole lot of it involved just closing my eyes and gritting my teeth and doing it.
And now is the time where I have to sort through all that shite and take stock of the emotional processes involved in all that.
As well as build up my physical strength.
And return to work and start contributing to the overall financial well-being of my home.
And return to interacting with the humans here in the human world.
It’s all a lot.
I kicked and screamed when it was taken away from me, and now I feel uncertain how one returns to it all.
Weird, eh?
We are at the age when, unless we’re such totally assholes that no one likes or loves us, we are entitled to be us. You’re very loved. J
I can understand the place you are at. I am at much the same point. Everything seems… off. I’m trying to get back on my feet but everything seems to behind behind one of those plastic vacuum seal window sheets you put up in winter. I can see it, but I can’t quite reach in yet. It’s still a little fuzzy… a little unclear on the edges.. perhaps a little scary in some way.
I was glad to have your blog here to read through as I faced my own battles. I am glad you have come this far. I am glad you are here, despite never speaking to you before in my life. I am glad for you. Thank you.
~Fox
Spike said: On other fronts, I realized yesterday that I feel like I am going flat out, as fast as I can, just to try to keep up with regular people
Do I count as a “regular people?” Cuz I sure was huffing and puffing trying to keep up with you on our little hike last weekend! Granted, I don’t exercise at all except when in vancouver every 4-5 months. But if you had hiked any faster, I woulda had to trot! *laughing*
TJ