Spike’s scorched earth

It’s been awhile. And at least a couple of weeks ago I was asked to get with the blog posting. My apologies for the delay.
It’s a strange mix, this blogging, of having an overview of one’s life, an ability to discuss it all and a way to balance one’s privacy.
When weeks pass and there are no posts here, just believe it is my need for privacy rearing its head.

So, here’s the skinny.
The last 4 years have been a bit of a hellride for me.
It’s hard to talk about that without sounding like I am feeling sorry for myself. And I am not.
I realize most people in the world have a harder time than I do on a day to day level. And that sucks.
For about 3.5 of the last 4 years, I felt guilty about feeling angry for having been handed the white North American version of a shit sandwich.
Now, I am more comfortable, and less easily swayed from my anger. Cuz, really, some stuff just happens, and so it goes. And some stuff is about stuff we can do better, and I hope people learn to do better because they didn’t do so good by me. Maybe I didn’t do good by them. If so, I wish they would have taken the time to tell me.
And the weird thing is, in allowing myself to be angry without apology, I feel more able to just move forward in the world. I feel less angry.
Like, I no longer give a rat’s ass whether you think I am being self-indulgent, unless you have gone through something similar.

When I was about to leave Costa Rica, I had this epiphany, because I realized I had no big desire to go home, for the first time ever, and if I could just Fed-Ex my cats to Manuel Antonio, I would have.
But since I came home, I decided to give it one last college try. So I am doing stuff.
I let go of the belief that the folks and activities that used to pull me through are still there, because they haven’t, for the most part, been there for years. And it was time to stop kidding myself that they would show up soon.
So I am doing what I want and seeing where that takes me.
So far it has taken me to 30 feet below sea level, where it is cold and dangerous but, oh so very cool.
I’ve been diving, where it’s cold and, really, a completely different world. I love it.

So, today, I look at the scorched earth of my past and I see the spots where some things survive and I see the spots where that which is no longer beneficial makes way for something that might be.
I’m letting go of the past life that I had. I’m ready to go somewhere new and have a new life.
That was hard for awhile, the letting go, but now it’s exciting.