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Jul 212004
Jul 182004
I just want to say that hormone replacement therapy is like a day-pass into the land of mental illness.
’nuff said.
Jul 172004
I suspect that today is Friday, and that means I did chemo about 3 days ago.
And I am tired.
I am tired in a variety of ways you may or may not want to hear about.
See, there is the standard sort of tired I get, from the steroids keeping me awake and all that. I’ve made a bunch of noise about that already and besides, we have adjusted my medication and I am actually getting a bit more sleep this time around.
I’m tired of lots of things.
I’m tired of having to think about cancer every goddamn day, even when I tell myself I am not going to, for just one day, I am not going to think about cancer or mortality or how my life got so completely ass-backwards in a matter of months.
I’m tired of being a special consideration when any event is going to happen. I would give a lot to just be a regular person again.
I’m tired of having these crazy circumstances wear my girlfriend down.
And down, and down.
It sucks when you want so much to make someone happy and all you can see is the stress and the strain you are causing.
I’m tired of being an inverted Pez dispenser, always slamming some new drug combo down my throat and walking around in a stupor.
I’m tired of stressing about how I will make ends meet when my EI claim ends next month and I have to go on welfare.
I guess that’s just more of that humility crap that they think so fondly of in the 12 step programs. Ironic though, no?
I’m tired of wondering whether I feel weird because I have a 10 inch scar on my belly where they ripped my guts out, or if I am tired because of the chemo, or if I am just tired of having to always try to be brave and optimistic and hopeful, in spite of my statistics.
I’m tired of the civil war of hormones going on inside my body, and the way all the parts inside my head crash into each other. I’m tired of wondering whether the inside of my head is mental because some strange man just yanked a bunch of vital parts out, or maybe I am mental because I haven’t taken the time to process what that’s like, or maybe I haven’t taken the time because there was already a chemo needle in my arm and we were off and running on a whole new adventure.
I’m tired about wondering about memory loss and whether it’s starting to happen. I’m tired and I can’t accurately describe what I have already whined about already in this post.
And then when the wonderful world of mental started to seep in again, I got to wonder if it was menopause or the steroids they gave me to make me feel less crappy. But now we can toss in a little estrogen and HRT, if I want, so I can never know what I am thinking or feeling or being pissed off by.
I’m tired of having a life where, often, the high point of my day is walking to the library.
You know, just some small glimmer of independence.
I’m tired of having to be so reliant on my friends and loved ones and wondering and worrying about how I can ever repay the people who have been so kind and attentive.
I’m also more aware of times people in my life have been worn down or tired or just needing some extra help and seeing how I wasn’t always very good at that, so I get to learn something now and try to do it better in the future.
I have every intention of coming out the other side of this as a nicer, more compassionate person.
And I reckon I will.
Just right now I am tired.
And what I am tired of, almost more than anything, is all those fuck-whad lousy dickheads who throw their garbage in my yard for me to clean up.
I mean, when I was a kid, we had littering spanked out of us, and I don’t know who dropped the wooden spoon and razor strop, but geez, to look at my garden, you’d never know anyone ever taught the little buggers that the world is not their personal cess pool.
And an even bigger thanks to the wanker bastards who just dump whole lots of shite in my back alley for me to clean up.
Hey, I don’t mean to be too much of a sissy here, but I have no goddamn immune system. Much as I would otherwise be delighted to clean up after you, because who wouldn’t, you are putting my health at risk by being such a lazy little wanker bastard.
Still, in spite of my platinum grade whining here today, I have the chance to spend a day or so on Galiano, if all that works out.
And I may be able to go kaykaying on Bowen Island with the big angry, mod, fag-tease.
And, the truth of it is, I have been having a major craving to be back at Tofino, or maybe up around Quadra Island.
I love the North Island a huge amount.
And the last trip home from Tofino was all shadowed in the ‘oh-shit, what’s going to happen with this surgery.’
So, we had a vacation, but it seems so long ago now. The welcome home bubble burst kinda quickly.
Maybe with any luck, we can get up to some wild chunk of ocean when all these treatments are finally said and done, in the winter/Xmas/New Year’s time.
That’s my big hope.
And the biggest irony, for me, is I had such a totally phuqued summer last year. All I really really wanted was for this summer to get great and sweet and relaxing. Just a regular little human drill… go to work, hang out with friends and loved ones and lover-girrl and make some fud with folks and lay around and laugh.
I had it all planned out.
It was my cosmic compensation for how shitty last summer was.
Imagine my surprise. Shit.
And believe it or not, I miss working and having a sense of purpose that was more involved and more connected with the world than walking to the drusgstore and getting my prescriptions refilled or ‘golly are we out of soymilk?’.
Gabor Mate says, in his book, When The Body Says No, that one of the contributing factors to who gets cancer and who doesn’t is…. anger.
So, thanks, Gabor, tonight I am angry.
And that feels like a good direction to be taking it in.
At least for the time being.
Now I just need to figure how to live with it and arrange it in ways that are appropriate and not just crab around and make everyone around me sad or spooked.
Luckily I have lots of time to work out my strategy.
Jul 162004
So I was musing through the blog this evening, and re-followed Spike’s link to our little head-shaving party for her.
http://www.spikeharris.com/gallery/head-shaving
Damn, will you lookit how many folks have stared at those pictures, in comparison to the others. It’s like they’re butch pornography or something.
Hmm.
Maybe they are.
-Elaine
Jul 132004
I keep yammering on about how great people are being to me and Elaine, and here’s a plug for a guy who has been a really great, reliable mechanic for me for quite some time.
I was really lucky that I got connected up again with a former co-worker who also does really good repair work on cars. He brought Elaine’s van back from the dead and for less than we expected.
My buddy Brian is working his regular job during the day and doing car repair in the evening, plus raising a family and all that jazz.
Brian says he would be into doing more repair work so here I am giving him a plug.
I bet his wife would prefer I don’t just put their phone number up on the internet. But I will gather up the contact info and put it up here or somewhere and let folks know about it.
In the meantime, if you are local and need some repair work, drop me and e-mail and I will try to hook you up.
Jul 132004
I did my third chemo treatment today. Right now, everything is pretty a-okay. But it remains to be seen how it will all unfold. Last round my biggest problem was insomnia and getting kind of cranky after a good long time of no real deep sleep. One good thing about being in this drug study is I see the doctor and a nurse the day before each chemo treatment and we talk about how the last round was and what needs to be different. They are pretty attentive and things get adjusted and improved as we go. So, now we are going to see if we can’t get some sleep happening for me. That would be pretty great, I’d like that.
While we were meeting with them, we got some test results from last time.
All my blood work is coming back with good results.
My red blood cells and my white blood cells and my platelets are all on the low end of the normal range so that’s good.
But the thing that is really super exciting is the thing they call CA 125
CA 125 is a tumour marker test.
Basically, it is an indicator of cancer in your body, and it is as close to a test for ovarian cancer as they have right now. (But there is no test and it isn’t accurate enough to be used as as test, but it is as good as it gets for right now.)
So, if you, gentle cancer-free reader, had the CA 125 test today, your score would likely come in at around 20 or less.
When they tested me before my surgery, my test results were around 150 (and I have heard of lots of people having way higher numbers than that, so I was lucky.)
After my surgery but before my first chemo my scores came back at around 65.
After one or two rounds of chemo (I’m not completely sure which blood test they were using when they gave me the results) my CA 125 count is 8.6
That’s really fucking good.
I can’t express how uplifting that is.
And yeah, we aren’t out of the woods yet, but it’s really good to know that things are working and we are moving in the right direction.
Some people don’t respond at all to the chemo drugs so they go thru this basically brutal process and get no good out of it and then they have to go start with some other combination of chemo drugs and hope that they work. I am happy to report that isn’t happening with me, and things are looking really good!
And I completely expect that those numbers will fluctuate a bit, but as long as that fluctuation stays within a reasonable range, that will be okay.
I confess, there was a lot of gleeful bouncing up and down as we came home from that appointment.
So, there you have it. Some good news.
And, a big thanks to all the folks who came by and visited with us on Sunday. It was a really nice day with some really nice people hanging out. Thanks.
Hope you are all having a lovely summer.
Jul 062004
Most people know by now that this round of chemo was a long drawn out process of no sleep and all the dementia that comes with not sleeping much for almost 2 weeks.
One of the things that happened as a result of that is I haven’t had as much contact with people. Last round I was being much more social in the 3rd week of the process.
I was chatting with Elaine today and we thought perhaps we should just let folks drop by and visit with us and we can see lots of people before I go back into the next chemo cycle.
So, that’s what we would like to do, have people over on Sunday afternoon, in a casual drop in kind of way, from 1- 4 pm-ish.
If you’d like to come by on Sunday, that would be cool.
The same old rules apply about being ill, which is, if you are ill, we will have to catch up with you some other time, because I have no immune system so I can’t fight off any germs you bring to our home.
I’m sure we will make tea and coffee and have some cold things to drink. Should be a nice day, I think.
If you need directions, drop me an e-mail.
On other fronts, I seem to have come out of the woods from round 2.
I am now in the preliminary stages for round 3 because I had to go for more bloodwork today.
And I will go for more bloodwork next Monday, and then do the chemo again on Tuesday.
Basically, they check my blood as of today to make sure everything is okay and I am not sick or too run down, and then they do it again the day before the treatment, and assuming everything comes up okay, then we do another round of chemo.
Lather, rinse, repeat x 8.
I confess that I am feeling like I didn’t get much time between treatments this time. I think I have to start making the most of it now, because I was really tired and cranky for so long this last time that I end up having a smaller window in which to have some fun.
I definitely have to get them to adjust my meds so I can get some sleep this next time. It was getting a bit insane going ten days with no more than an hours sleep at a time.
Okay… it’s a beautiful day and I am going to go do something.
See some of you soon.
Jul 032004
Seems like I ought to catch people up on what’s what and all.
So, it’s true, yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of me quitting smoking.
And what an interesting 6 months it’s been.
Still, I am glad I am not smoking now, and I am really glad I am not in the middle of quitting now. And Elaine is ever so sweet for saying I am her hero.
Personally, I just think it would look really bad if I started smoking again now. I think people might have a hard time with that.
It’s been almost 2 weeks since my second chemo treatment and this round has been pretty different than the first.
They changed my meds a bit so I never got anywhere near as sick as I did the first time, but I also seem to have ended up feeling kind of crappy for way longer. It’s like I had to feel a particular amount of lousiness after each chemo treatment and the first time I got really sick and stayed that way for a week and that was that. This time it’s been almost 2 weeks and I am just about starting to feel regular.
Part of what is different is the fact that I ended up going about 12 days with next to no sleep. The steroids they give me to make me feel okay-ish keep me awake. There’s no surprise there, they told me going into it that I would be awake and kind of manic from the steroids. I don’t feel really manic, but I haven’t really been able to sleep in a really long time.
I think I just turned the corner on that one, that’s my hope.
I think Elaine deserves a big medal for putting up with my grumpy old self for the last 2 weeks.
The other fun stuff I get to experience because of the steroids…
I seem to have a bit of acne…
Hey… how fun is that?
And, they make my voice go squeaky.
And my face is now almost perfectly circular.
And I have the appetite of a 16 year old boy.
And I am guessing I won’t be able to compete at the 2010 Olympics because of all this, and that’s just a great big drag.
That’s the poop on Chemo- Round 2
I thought I had it kind of mapped out, after round 1, but it seems I was mistaken.
I am hopeful that I can now start getting some regular sleep and then I will start to feel better and then I can enjoy the next 10 days, before I roll up my sleeve and start all over again.
I hope you are all enjoying this festive long weekend.
Oh… and I seem to have lost a bunch of e-mail a couple of days ago. It all got gobbled up at the server level and now it’s just a bunch of stray letters and stuff, floating in space.
If you wrote me in the few days and I haven’t answered you, this could be the explanation.
Or it could be another explanation altogether.
Anyway, if you did write me and you haven’t heard back from me, please feel free to resend.
That would be cool.
Jul 022004
But she’s probably too modest to admit it out loud.
6 months without smoking.
Even with all the stress lately. Even though her doc said smoking and ovarian cancer ain’t connected.
Half a year. Holy.
Spike’s my hero.
-Elaine
Jun 302004
about my new bald look. So, here you go.
As you can see, I was just checking to see what the status of the armpit hair was when they fired off this shot.
I guess cancer has made me a little more grumpy than before, but I am thankful that I could roll it all up in a package and turn it into a lucrative summer tour. Thank Christ I already have the leather pants.
And hey, are you liking those new piercings?
I know I am.
Spike… the oh so sleepless
Jun 282004
I don’t mean to get all Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on your ass, but I have a couple of things to say.
Actually, I have a more than a couple of things to say, and a bunch of them have nothing to do with cancer, so if you are only here for the cancer bits, I’ll try to get that bit up front and leave the rest of the non-toxic rants for the bottom of this post.
Okay… let’s rant.
First of all, I have been really really impressed with how cool and supportive people have been to me since I got diagnosed. I am humbled, really, by how swell people have been. People have shown up from the past and have been spectacular. My nearest and dearest have gone well above and beyond the call and have just kind of surrounded me and kept it all moving and safe.
I am more grateful for all that than I think most people can understand.
And I try to say what I am grateful for lately, and what I am happy about lately and to be attentive to what is so cool and I forgot to notice it or mention it lately.
And now I want to talk about something that bugs me about this whole cancer bullshit thing but I am not sure that I will. Or that I know how to talk about it, yet.
See, people have been great, and I don’t mean to take away from that. But today, I had someone I know say something that was basically ignorant and assinine to me, and it was from someone I expected better from, someone who I respect, and I find myself still gobsmacked from the conversation even 5 hours later. And, oddly, I don’t even know if she realized how much she horrified me with what she said. So, my head is spinning around slowly, trying to make sense of it and be more forgiving. It was just a totally strange and moralistic thing that got said in the middle of talking about me being sick.
See, I have yapping about this cancer business and a lot of the details for a while now. If you know me at all, you’d know that isn’t my style. But I think it’s important. I don’t know why it’s important, but it is and I can’t seem to stop myself. Blame my medication if you’d like, but I am all new-born yappy and you know how to work a mouse so if you didn’t want to read this, I assume you’d click on something else or go back to work or something.
And in talking about it, I really have wanted to be available to people if they have questions. Because this is weird shit and I certainly didn’t know squat about it 4 months ago, and I don’t expect anyone else to either (unless they have a white lab coat and a vial of my blood).
So, if you want to know, feel free to ask, politely, and I will answer you as best I can.
But don’t, for the love of god, make shit up.
Don’t give me some other sort of cancer or any other disease and don’t assume that it’s no surprise I have cancer because I smoked for all those years. Spare me that, okay? And if you can’t spare me, at least have the small bit of good taste to keep that to yourself.
And just to set the record straight, one more time, according to my oncologist, the 2 reasons I have ovarian cancer are because 1) I am a woman and 2) I live in North America.
It isn’t a nicotine related thing.
And in case you missed it, I quit smoking.
Now, as my girlfriend has pointed out, having ovarian cancer does not immunize me against any other kind of cancer, and in fact I have had a big ass chest x-ray and I will be having a CT scan and we will make sure everything is going okay. But barring any further disasters, could we just stick with what is real? I’d really appreciate that.
I guess it’s interesting that I would have this weird social encounter today, because yesterday was a bit of a milestone in its own right as well. See, up till now, when it comes to social things we have played everything by ear, we have surrounded ourselves with our closest peeps and we haven’t had to have too many conversations with people who don’t know I am currently sick.
But last night we went to a friend’s birthday party and it was all very nice and fun and cool. But it was also really different, because I realized that I was out of the house and around strangers, and I am not the same as other people anymore. I’m not a regular person anymore, and that is kind of a hard pill to swallow, if you’ll forgive my pun. I came home and thought about that and got kind of rattled by that.
I am not happy about that detail at all, and, unfortunately, I think I just have to come to terms with it.
That’s going to take some work.
This isn’t my area of expertise.
See, it was all okay while I framed it like a big swell party where people pay me lots of attention and if I say I’d like gelato, blam… I have gelato before you can shake a stick.
So, it’s a lot more fun to get your gelato fast because you think you are part of the royal family than it is to find out you get your gelato fast because you are basically not on the same footing as your peers anymore.
I am struggling with this.
And, let’s be serious, I am *not* on the same footing as my peers anymore.
It’s just taking me quite a few weeks to look at that for the first time.
And it’s going to take even longer than that to get okay with it.
Anyway, I have been struggling with ‘accepting’ that my life has taken a major shift.
Not so happy about that part at all.
Still, I am trying to enjoy myself when I can, and I am actually managing to pull it off.
I went for a walk to return some videos tonight, and while that would have been a bit of a chore a few months ago, tonight it was a delightful walk thru the streets of my neighbourhood. It was a lovely night and I went out by myself, which is an actual accomplishment some days, and it was just really, really nice. It felt really good to just wander down the street and look at the things people are growing in their gardens and enjoy the early evening. It was great.
So, parts of it are really being good for me.
On one hand, I have this huge source of stress in my life and on the other hand, I am much more aware of the fact that sometimes you just roll with the punches.
Of course, this too could be blamed on the adjustments to my medication.
Stay tuned.
All right.. now the last part, the part that has nothing to do with cancer, but I feel like ranting and you logged on so you get what you get.
As my fellow Canadians will know, there is a federal election this evening.
All around my city, there are campaign signs.
No big deal, this happens with every election.
Friends have asked me if we are going to put up a sign and I always find myself feeling really uncomfortable with the concept of advertising who I would vote for (as if that was an area of any suspense.)
But I wondered about that for a while, and here is my thinking.
I am all for people voting, and talking about political issues and arguing and doing all that.
And if you want to put up a little sign that says “Lupo the Butcher For Mayor”, well, I think that’s fine. Except, I just want one thing.
I think that if people are going to put up little campaign signs on their yards, then they should be automatically obliged to keep those signs up till the next election has happened. Like… 4 or 5 years.
See, somehow, all these scallywags like Gordon Campbell and George W Bush are getting elected. Well, they seem to take office, though no one ever admits to voting for them. Now, all skullduggery aside, I think some stupid bastards must have voted for the wankers.
And, I think if people are stupid enough to vote for them, then part of the cross I must bear as a carbon based life form is to endure this punishment for 4 – 5 years.
But what I want is to be able to look around, say 6 months into the term of the next stupid government, and be able to walk down the street and knock on your door and say, “Oh, excuse me, neighbour, but I notice from your yard sign that you thought Gordon Campbell is the best thing since organic wheatgrass juice, perhaps you could explain a few things to me, now that things are starting to take shape.”
I’m all for voting and participating in the democratic process, I just think there needs to me some more long term accountability than a hunk of plastic swinging in your front yard. You know, I am all about the loyalty, really. How about you folks with the lawn signs make a promise to stand by your man, eh? Is that so wrong, or spooky? Are you just afraid to commit?
Well, it’s bath time for garbanzo.
I hope you’ve all learned a lot here tonight, comrades.
Stay tuned, cuz you know it will be different next time.
Jun 272004
it’s another thing, and I guess in the big scheme of things, the things that have been screwing up for us lately haven’t been as bad as they could be.
Like, we got the first round of blood tests back, and things are looking good. I’ll get more info about what’s what when I see my GP on Monday, but all in all, things are apparently look good.
Anyway, I am feeling fairly good, this far after the chemo, and as always, I have no idea what happens next.
I had every intention of going out, at least briefly, last night, cuz there was some more of those swell Vancouver dykes doing a swell Vancouver fundraiser for me and the Little Woman, but it just couldn’t happen in the end (leaving the house, I mean, I am pretty sure the fundraiser happened.)
But I do want to say a big thank you to the Stacy and the folks at Lick and all those lovely drag kings. Thanks, you guys.
I swear I would have made it if I could and I do appreciate the thoughts and the huge effort.
So, life is okay… different… interesting.
My doctor tweaked my meds a bit and I may crash later in the week, that remains to be seen. Right now I have a bit of a ‘headstone’ going on, I am not completely sure why, but it’s interesting and I have decided that the best thing to do is just roll with it and try not to hate it and take it from there.
Still, if I had any sense, I would log off right now and not reveal the secrets that happen within these walls.
But who ever said I had any sense?
But as I always say, it’s the little things.
Okay, Elaine’s van dying in the suburbs is maybe more than just a little thing.
But it has seemed that since I got sick, lots of little things are screwing up. Okay, some of them are bigger than little, but lots of things are just going screwey and I guess it’s the stress and the busy-ness of it all and like that.
Now, we all know about the little incident with the van clipping my door.
Yesterday I had this *need* to go buy some free run/organic chicken. I think it was as much about a need to do *something* and to assert some independence as it was about any poxy old chicken.
So, with no vehicle to safely drive, I got on my bicycle and zig zagged down the side streets of the east end. That was interesting, and I am happy to report that the chicken and I all made it back home. It was a true sensory adventure. I am sorry I can’t share it with you all.
Anyway, we’ve been telling you a lot about some of our bigger disasters around the home, but I thought it might be time to detail some of the smaller ones.
Like how a couple of weeks ago, I opened the dryer to grab some clothes and looked down and saw my favorite watch laying on top of my jeans, inside the dryer.
I love this watch… it was love at first sight with me and this watch, and there it was, all sterile and the face plate turned sideways from being clonked around. It’s trying desperately to limp along, and if anyone knows of a cheap little jewellry or watch shop, preferably in the hood, please let me know. I have other watches, but this one is far and away my favorite and I think it deserves a chance at a second life.
And then there was today’s little mini-disaster.
I am trying to eat/drink as many smoothies and other good things as possible. Just a little something to try to help offset the toxins I am ingesting.
Anyway, Elaine had an appointment coming up and I needed to get some food in my belly so I could take my medication, so I made us a smoothie.
It was lovely. All organic and good. It had organic melons and organic mango, organic berries, organic yogurt, banana, orange, apple, and a whack of juice, and it was all going to be so lovely and delicious and good for us.
So, I mixed it all up and flipped the switch, and I noticed that the blender was making more of a howling sound than usual, but I figured it was just working hard trying to plough thru all that frozen goodness. So, I just ignored it.
Elaine, hearing the great grinding sound from the other room, asked if I thought we would have to replace the blades soon. I don’t know why that comment made me stop and check out the situation, but I did. So, I stopped the blender and dug a spoon in there to see what was what, and out came the little clear measuring cup lid that slides into the bigger plastic lid.
Now, this would be easier to feel okay about if it had been *my* blender, but it ain’t. It’s Elaine’s and it’s a damn nice blender, or it has been up till recently.
Anyway, I mostly wanted to say that because I think lots needs to be said about how much Elaine is doing, and enduring, and balancing, and tolerating, and I think she deserves an enormous amount of credit for going thru all this with me.
And I sure do appreciate it, because I am more of a space cadet now than I used to be, and I thought she was brave before I got sick.
So, I suggest, on top of it being Gay Pride everywhere but in Vancouver, that we agree to make today the “Hooray for Elaine Being So Swell to Spike Day”.
I know there are some marketing types out there who can turn this into a huge money-maker.
Okay… off to see what other damage I can cause before sundown.
Spike of the poached brain
Jun 242004
I’m just not feeling very mechanically lucky these days…
http://elainemiller.com/blog/archives/000066.html
-Elaine
Jun 242004
I just wrote a whole chunk of info about ovarian cancer, because it seems like people either get it confused with other types of cancer, like cervical cancer or breast cancer or whatever. And then I accidently hit the wrong button and that was the end of that.
The bad news about ovarian cancer, in case anyone needed more bad news about any type of cancer, is that there is no good test for it. It doesn’t get caught with a pap test and there is no equivalent to a mammogram.
Mine got caught because my girlfriend kicked my ass until I did something about the lump in my guts that turned out to be benign but was neighbouring in there with the actual cancer we are now dealing with.
So, as I keep saying, my cancer being caught at this stage is a complete fluke.
And still, it is staged at 3C, which isn’t anything to take lightly.
You can go online and find lots of very scary survival rates for someone in my shoes, but my oncologist says I have a 50/50 chance of dying of old age and since he has all the specifics, I’ll go with that assessment.
The good news for me is, most women get diagnosed when they are about 10 to 20 years older than me, so I expect I may have a bit more spunk to get thru this.
I also have a remarkable support system and people who are just generally looking after me. I am on a couple of e-mail lists and the women on those lists seem to often have to continue with all the same old expectations they ever had and that they don’t get much help. They make dinner for their families, they iron their husbands shirts, they get screwed by their insurance companies, and they don’t ever seem to get really pissed off about how tired and awful they feel. Needless to say, I don’t post a lot to this list.
I think I am really lucky to be so well taken care of, not just by Elaine but also by the big gang of close friends and less close friends and aquaintances and co-workers, and from 10 years ago former co-workers and on and on. It’s really shocking to me all the people who have jumped out of the woodwork to help, people I haven’t talked to for years. It’s amazing and I really appreciate it.
I also feel really lucky that when my girlfriend comes home and finds me asleep in the middle of the day, she thinks that’s a good thing. (Though I have been training her with the afternoon sleeping for a few years.) I believe that having the time to rest and not grind myself into the ground will make a big difference.
Also, my surgery was done by a gynocologist/oncologist, and that makes a huge difference because when surgeries are performed just by gynocologists, they aren’t as well skilled at knowing what bad parts to take out and where to go looking for their secret hiding places. I have read stuff that say the type of doctor who does the surgery has a huge impact on how well one bounces back.
And since the original predication was that the surgery would take 45 minutes and it took 2.5 hours, I would say that my surgeon was pretty thorough. I can say that because he said he promised that he removed every bit of cancer that is visible to the human eye. I don’t know if I would have got that from a gynocologist. So, I feel lucky. I most certainly didn’t feel lucky when I woke up from the surgery. I felt like I had been hit by a truck, but I am grateful in retrospect.
I have spent a bunch of time, going through a wide spectrum of emotions about this whole situation. And for me, here is the bottom line.
Early on in my diagnosis. someone who has survived cancer mentioned to me that she was cranky and stubborn and it was her observation that people with these characteristics seem to have a high survival rate.
Now, you can hear all kinds of things about the different attitudes people bring to all this, and I can swear to you that anyone in this position will experience a lot of different attitudes and emotions over a small course of time.
I have decided that since Elaine says I am probably the most stubborn person she has ever met, when it comes to certain things, I am going to work from that perspective and make it work for me.
I have a few ex’s who may chime in that I am downright bull stubborn when it comes to some stuff.
You see, I am just so completely not willing to let this thing get me. There’s plenty to endure and there will be a lot to learn and there will be a lot of changes to life in general by the time we make it to the other side.
But the other side will have the wedding of the two dykes least likely to wed.
See, now *that* was the long shot, that Elaine and I would get married. Much lower odds than me beating this cancer crap…just because we are both just a tiny bit jaded.
But hell, if I am going to take her nice cozy life and shake it up, and shake it some more, and then some more and do that for 6 to 8 months, I think that is she still wants me after I get to the end of this, well, hell, that would just be so great.
Anyway… the link where you can learn as much as you ever want to know about ovarian cancer, from the folks who know.
here you go
They have lots of groovy little drop down windows that give you more info.
And hey, it’s local. Their address bears a striking similarity to the address where I have my chemo treatments done… hmmm, what’s up with that?
Jun 242004
I just found this e-mail in my in-box.
I must say, I live in a really great city, surrounded by some really fabulous people.
Spiked Punch
Shit. It’s no wonder my GP says she wants to come back in her next life as a dyke, the way people are looking after us, (not to suggest the non-dykes in our world haven’t been spectacular as well.)
Wow.
A big thanks again to the VWL for helping us out with their gig and taking a bite out of the cost of organic food for us. And a big thanks to Stacey and all those scantily clad Lick staff who keep the crowds coming back and helping keep us in organic foods for a while longer.
You guys are the best!
Thank you.